Sex: How to talk about sex with your partner

Sex and communication within a couple is crucial to a fulfilling life together

Sex as a couple: let’s take a second to get some perspective: You wake up thinking about the breakfast you’ve been dreaming about. You’re in the mood for a slice of butter with raspberry jam served on wholemeal toast. There’s nothing to stop you having the breakfast you want, except yourself.

You get dressed in your most comfortable outfit and head to your hairdresser. You arrive at the hairdresser’s with the image of your desired haircut in your head. What would happen if you just stood there, looked the hairdresser in the eye and said nothing?

The hairdresser can’t read your mind. She doesn’t know what you want. If you don’t explain what you want, you’ll end up without a haircut or with a very unpleasant result. It’s pretty obvious: you can’t get what you want if you don’t ask for it.

The same goes for sex and sexual satisfaction.

Talking to your partner about sex and your sexual desire, needs and limits is imperative to having a happy and healthy sex life and, for many, a happy and healthy relationship with the sex you dream of.

Learn to stand up for the sex you want

For some of us, it’s hard to assert our need for sex. Sometimes it’s easier to avoid conflict and go with the flow of the sex your partner wants. While flexibility is a useful trait, you also deserve to have your sexual needs met.

If you’re having trouble getting your needs met, start by practising outside of the topic of sex. For example, if you can’t decide which film to watch on a Tuesday night, have a strong opinion. Practise saying “what if we watched this instead?”. Being assertive and setting the agenda for you and your partner can help you build momentum to stand up for more important things like sex yourself.

Understand your own sexual desires

Think back to the hairdresser. If you didn’t know what you wanted, how would you know what to ask for? To talk about sex and satisfy your sexual needs, it’s important to know what you like, what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. Experiment on your own and with your partner to find out what suits you best.

Talking to your partner about sex

We recommend having conversations about sex in a neutral place, outside the bedroom. Before you start, make sure your partner is in the right frame of mind to engage in an open discussion about sex. Don’t blame your partner and make sure you keep a positive, solution-oriented tone when you tell them what you like.

This step seems obvious, I know, but you need to communicate with your sex partner.

Regular communication is important in any relationship, whether it’s a long-term relationship or a more casual ‘friends with benefits’ type of relationship. Sex is a way of building intimacy, and both parties will be stronger if you are able to be open and honest about what you like and what you want when it comes to sex with each other. It’s important to be able to have a safe and ongoing dialogue about your sex life with your partners.

Sex: Set your limits

When you tell your partner what you like, it’s the perfect time to ask them what they like too. It’s important to take into account what they say and be clear about what you’re willing to try and what you don’t want to try. If your partner wants to do something that interests you, talk about the necessary conditions or decide what to do if you don’t like it. Ultimately, don’t be afraid to say no, but make sure you do it in a way that doesn’t leave your partner feeling exposed or vulnerable.

Sex: Respect your partner’s limits

Safe sex is consensual sex, and consent is needed for every aspect of your sexual act or relationship. If your partner isn’t interested or ready to try something you want, it’s important that you respect that. Don’t pressure him or her or give ultimatums about sex. Open, clear and honest dialogue is an essential part of a strong and healthy sexual relationship. If you’re able to engage with your partner in a transparent and caring way, your partnership will improve, both in and out of bed.